~ SMILE ~

something happened today and made me realize that there are MANY things required for me to make a condusive environment to study:
1. Internet
dunno why. even if i don't open any internet windows or chatting messenger... studying without internet is like eating Padang food without spoon/fork. you're not necessarily need those eating tools (huuumm... indonesian style: using hands?? okeh... it's kinda gross for some of you, maybe). but when you're having the tools, you might want to use the tools.

2. AC
I JUST REALIZE IT TODAY!! i can't study without my air-con on!! my room kos AC was somehow somewhat couldn't on for even 1 minute. even if it is on, there was no flow of air... as a result: HOT ROOM! T.T (OMG... how will i survive in my PTT if it's in rural areas without air-con?!?)

3. Music
.... is a must!! i can't study in a silent environment... however, there are certain type of music for me to study; it is either pop or R&B.... soft rock also okay... as long as the song is nice to be listened. ^_^

4. (on the other hand) Silent environment
i mean, the environment where nobody is talking... when it's only music inside the room.. ckck

5. Bed
haha... dunno why i can't study well on the table... it seems like something is not correct. and bed is much more comfortable place to study. (moreover, whenever you're feeling sleepy when studying, all you have to do is lie your head) XD

6. Light
of course... how come you study without lights on??

something happened a few days ago which made me felt disgusted of people, including myself... it felt so negative that i had bad mood by the time i re-think it over at my kos. a few days ago, i realized that, almost all people (well... maybe up to 80-90% of this world) are selfish people, including myself.

humans... has a thought by the time they saw somebody. it was called by first impression as our "elders" said. that this first impression was important and all, but a follow-up is also the most important part. i have this first impression about a friend. she looks all nice, and kind, and fun, and ideal-friend type. she complaints less. she doesn't bother much (not kepoh). and then, i found out that, despite all those things, over all of those perfect thing, there is negative attitude below, a selfish attitude which covered well. by the time i saw that, i lost all those perfect impression about her.

i am... a selfish person. i admit that. i won't be a hypocrite who tells the world, "hey, here i am, talking about others about his/her bad attitude" while i do the same thing as he/she did. i am a selfish person in a way that i am being "pushy" about this research thing but i didn't contact the doctors to make an appointment. well, yeah, i can give reasons... 1001 reasons, such as: i went to bandung, so i can't call the doctors. or... my handphone can't call out. or... many things... but altogether, the results are the same: i didn't contact the doctor. ezzat is the one who contacted them (which i felt very grateful to him).

but anyway,... i realized that i'm stepping onto two different dimentions: my own "fairy-tales" world and the reality. i thought that people are all nice and kind while on the other side of the world, you will realize that the fact is not that simple.

selfish people betray the innocent people to take up their pieces.
selfish people stepped on the weak.
selfish people didn't show that they are selfish coz they still wanna manipulate the weak and thus, they act "all-nice" to maintain the good-relationship.

it's cruel... but that is what is happening... people are so damn selfish. they don't care about others... they just care about THEMSELVES. they ignored requests. they act like "it's not my problem" business while it's actually involved all the class members. they pushed us to do what they want despite the fact that we already said that "i don't want to do it". they don't care about what do you want, and IF they did confirm that they will do that to you, they will tend to postpone your request so that they can do their business first. they tend to change their mind many times so that it can give them time (read: postpone). they tend to let other to take care of what they've done (esp. the bad thing). they tend to act like small thing was a big thing for them, thus, they can't do it...

selfish... almost all people are so damn selfish.

damn... my blog is more and more turning into a place to complaint and has all these negative sides of the reality and the world...

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*induced by ucha's quote at her friendster page... i found some wonderful love quotations  in the internet which is soooooo sweet-talk! XDD but, anyway... what's wrong with adding the sweet-talk list anyway??*

1. "If loving you is wrong, I don't want to be right" --H. Banks / R. Jackson / C. Hampton

2. "Kiss me and you will see stars; love me and I will give them to you."--Anonymous

3. "If I had a flower for every time I thought of you, I could walk in my garden forever."--Alfred Lord Tennyson

4. "You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her." --Anonymous

5. "If I never met you, I wouldn't like you. If I didn't like you, I wouldn't love you. If I didn't love you, I wouldn't miss you. But I did, I do, and I will." --Anonymous

6. "The best thing about me is you." --Shannon Crown (my note: bleh!! this one is sooo sappy lah! actually should be proud of urself by saying, "the best thing about you is me!" *narcissistic mode: on* okay, let's move on...)

7. "Love is not written on paper, for paper can be erased. Nor is it etched on stone, for stone can be broken. But it is inscribed on a heart and there it shall remain forever." --Anonymous

8. "If I could reach up and hold a star for every time you've made me smile, the entire evening sky would be in the palm of my hand." --Anonymous

9. "Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.' " --Erich Fromm

10. "If I has to choose between loving you, and breathing. I would use my last breath to say I LOVE YOU." --Dani B

So, which of these love quote is the most "sweet-talking" one?? XDD

oh, oh, oh!! these bring us to the BEST love suggestion ever, which come from my grandmother (from my father side) who had died but is quoted for me by my auntie (her daughter):

"When you're in a relationship, open your eyes widely... when you're married, close your eyes (and ears) tightly..."

Meaning: when you're in a relationship with a guy, it's better for you to know all habit and behavior of your partner coz, when you're married, to save your marriage, you'd better ignore the fact that your spouses is seeking other partnership outside there...

nice leh... best suggestion ever from my auntie!! hahaha... XDD

it's such a long time since i updated my blog!! muahaha...

as usual... my blog = my place to place all of my thoughts... and my hope to people around me... (despite the fact that i also have to introspect myself)

i do believe, that, there's always time for everything. time for laugh, time for to be sad, time to get serious. i really have no problem to place myself inside the 2006 circle as most of them share the same belief as mine. we get serious when it is a serious talk. we laugh and have fun together when it is time to laugh and joke around. but the thing is, unfortunately, i realized that my environment influences me the most than my inner self and thus, it doesn't make me any difference with my environment who cannot decide the right time and situation and it is, once again, happened today...

i don't think it's necessary to put what the incident here as it is quite "complicated" and me, personally, think that it's my fault. (here we go again... my melancholic personality). i know that some people doing a wrong thing... i have talked to them so that they stopped what they've done... nothing seems so wrong here. but my BIGGEST mistake is that i don't scold them properly. that is the part where i have my mistake on.

once more,

(break time... i'm introspecting myself right now)

*sad* *sad* *sad*

(break time finished)

i guess... i really need MUCH time to change myself...
1. i need to see the place and time and situation when should i talk (about yesterday kepik's incident and also there are several more incident... sorry tata... >.<)
2. i need to be more stern to 2007 and 2008 (basically, juniors)...
3. i need to tell them to limit their friendliness to a certain point... (i guess)
4. i need to be less helping them to a certain point...
lastly,
5. i need to CHANGE!! not change as in into power ranger or everything.... but (as jessica said.... and enji said... and ditha said... and EVERYBODY said...) i need to show the dignity of a senior...

and i feel deeply guilty to ditha... i really am... i think, i'll need most of my friends' support to achieve my goals... *sigh*

and moreover, these days, i think, i'm maybe not suitable in neurology... maybe i'm more suitable in pediatrician... *thinking in the corner alone*

my campus has finally started again, on Sep 1, precisely... aside from the fact that i was a part of KomDis (Komisi Disiplin) department for PSAU thingy to welcome our "sweet" 2008 juniors... but anyway... PSAU went well, except that i felt exhausted, especially the first day... ckck... luckily, i used my sport shoes... ckck...

Sep 2: Spread around the Internal Affairs Questionarre as a part of my job as student welfare... haizzz... =_= everybody in STUNICA is "turned on" coz campus has started already and we are demanded to fulfill the programs of each department...

Sep 3: Diana's Birthday... diana is one of 2007 juniors who is quite "dekat" with me lah... except the fact that NOW, somehow somewhat, everybody thinks of me as batch 2007 (including: one KomDis which is batch 2007, diana's mother, some other random people who think that i'm 2007!)... i don't know whether i should be sad or not... sad that it means i "didn't pass my grade"... happy that it means, i have young face (narcistic mode: on)... okay... back to the topic... =_="
ivana and the gank woke Arie, Isaac, Riza, and me (basically all FMUI students who stayed at my kos) at 5 am. they prepared for everything and blah3. and finally "make a loud noise" at 2nd floor (Diana's room is 202) at 5.30 am... and i really felt sorry for those who was still falling asleep... ckck... participant of the "party": ivana, billy, charles, isaac, han2, arie, meli, inne, and me... (chrysa did not wake up even when we had knocked so many times already even called her room and riza was having her prayer)...
and "party" is over at 6 am... i was sooooo thankful to my God that i didn't have stomache after eating the handmade cake by billy and ivana... XDD

Sep 5: First interaction with 2008... it's not really interaction lah... but they had some homeworks about surveying or whatever it is... so, they asked2 questions, basic questions... or sort of like that... and my friends and me realized that there are so many "cute" and "funny" 2008 juniors!! XDD *LOLS* and i have to remember this day when i can't find ditha just because one of our juniors "hid" her... really lah... and i heard that "this" junior is only 15... O_O anyway... after that we were (me, jess2, tata, enji, and ditha) going to Acacia to eat all you can eat dimsum... (ahhh, missed the old days)...
the day was perfect except there were a small thing which i disliked, or more likely hate... whatever you wanna say it...

Sep 6: Billy's Birthday... billy, is also one of 2007 juniors who is "familiar" with me... the fact that she "made me busy" at last mading made me knew her (she talks a lot of things.. ckck... and is someone who always being teased/bullied by her friends... >> resembles with me AT this part... *sigh*) anyway... i guessed her birthday party was "quite" special in case of "xxx" (can't tell it here...) =_= and i demanded all the reports from 2007 juniors! XDD...
and it is such a good thing that Timo is here to finally help her with the Sep-Oct Mading... he's truly her savior... XDD (evil mode: on)

Sep 8: Finally i know who my "cucu" asuh already.. XDD but i forgot their name already.. (not important)

Sep 9: sickness is sucks... i suddenly have flu + cough + sore throat all in one day... using up three packages of tissue only for 5 hours of campus. at night i checked my temp and it was 37.4.... ivana and meli "scold" me to take medication and slept early... i finally took Nasal Decongestant and Antihistamine and slept at 9.30 pm... =_= woke several times but my temp was going down...

Sep 10: my sickness has resided a bit... i thought i won't be able to study (can't concentrate also what...) but, on the other hand... strangely as it is... somehow somewhat, by studying, my fever is going down.... i don't understand my own body... =_= ckck... (come on lah... this way i can't find any good reason not to study leehh...)
but sickness... is sometimes one reason that makes you return to your "elementary" habits... sleep early and having 8 hours good night sleep... =_=

that's generally happened in two weeks of my campus... ODG IS COMING!!! XDD

ps: scary lahhh... four 2007 juniors already said this to me: "kar, lo harus dateng ke ODG... awas kalo ga!" really lahh... if i suddenly can't come, will they kill me together??? O_O *squirming at the corner*

people have secrets...secrets they keep from their family... secrets they keep from their friends... secrets they keep from others... but, whatever the secrets are, all have one and same motive: to cover/protect him/herself.

i have secrets... there is this secret about myself which i kept since long time ago... there is this secret about myself which i kept to make others think of what i am... secret about myself which i think not even my family realize this secret... and now, i gonna telling this secret... revealing it to the world, to my friends, to my families... my (dirty) "about me" secret. i finally reveal this secret, coz i don't think i can keep up with the "face" i'm putting in the surface anymore... i think, sooner or later, people will know this "deep" secret.

a cover... may describe most of its chapters. but, there always be one/two chapter(s) uncovered... and now, i will explain to you why i always put up the "happy-go-lucky" cover. it's because it's a sad thing.
it's a sad thing when people asked you, "what happened? are you okay?"
it's a sad thing when people make you remembered about the thing that makes you sad.
it's a sad thing when people make you recalled about the thing that you don't even want to talk about (at least, not to the person who asked you).
it's a sad thing when people make you said "it's okay... i'm fine" while deep down, you're not fine at all.
it's a sad thing when you can't answer those simple question even without a coming-up-lie.
it's a sad thing when people worrying about you and won't bug off even when you want them to bug off.

thus, i learned since my junior high that people will bug off if you put a "i'm fine" face. people will think that you're a nice, and happy, and cheerful, and full with these positive aura. person people will think that you won't have any problem at all. people will think that you are what you are in the surface. so that, people will always stick with you coz they think you're so friendly and fun to go along with.

started from that point on, i learned to "wash away" my sadness and pain by myself in an inappropriate way. i never solved my problems. i neglected my problems. i walked away my problems. all to make me forget about my problems and can always put up this happy go lucky face. (goes along with my wrong motto: you're happy if you don't think about your problems). but, problems are just problems. they leave me alone for some time, and returns with the same matter in a month or maybe a year... whenever they want to come back to me.

so, people... yes, i have problems of my own. and i have my sad face. and i have my sad days. and i have my cry days.
so, people... please don't judge a book by its cover... i may be appear happy in the surface, but when i have my time alone, i may be sad.
so, people... please reduce your sayings of things which you think i may not have problems, i may not have sad days, or i can't cry.
so, people.. (this is important), please consider what "harsh" words you said to me, even though it's a joke. when the joke is repeated again and again and accumulated, i may not be oh-so-calm about it anymore. i may be angry... yes... i still have this basis and simple emotion of humanity: anger. stop thinking that i may not angry just becoz i swept it away with a laugh.
so, people... i have my own "true" smile and my own "social" smile (which you commonly see on me). usually, a person who successfully makes me truly smiling and crying is angela.  (she is my person... she is my-secret keeper... the thing is, her time is now so occupied for her boyfriend T_T... hey, i shall be happy for her, right?) some of my best friends managed to make me smile sincerely. but, to make me cry in front of them is quite hard... ^_^ sorry... it's my problem to not so open about myself...

i'm not as happy as you guys think... but me, myself, will also try to change myself. to change my own cover. to show that "i'm not okay" if i am not okay... but it will take a little while...

people are so complex... you're so complex... and i'm so complex.

ps: danger!! i recently realized that i may not be able to cry anymore!! O_O even when i feel so depressed, i can't even released a single tear... gosh!! are my lacrimal glands DO have some unknown damages?! anybody knows what disease can cause damages to lacrimal glands???

ps2: now... it's not a secret anymore... but i will so grateful if you don't change your attitude to me just because i'm not the person that you think about.

rules... is there to limit people so that they don't go overboard...

but, as you already heard before...

rules is also there to be broken. (LOVELY!)

well... how sweet is that? i love the thought of breaking rules... i mean, who's not? love the adrenaline when doing so, aren't we?

but i have set my own rules when breaking the rules... (wow!... rules for rules). for me, there are certain conditions when i can break rules:

when i don't disturb other people's privilege... well, sometimes, people want others to have the same "rules" as he/she is. i mean, there was this day in my campus when we welcomed the new juniors (2007) last year and we agreed that one senior can only receive two chocolate bars from the juniors (2007). and there was this friend of mine who purposely hid her chocolates so that she can receive more than others. i remembered that i was quite upset to her. it's not that i was jealous to her... but i thought that she went stepping across the line in which she "disturb" my other friends' privilege... i wouldn't care if she got more chocolates because the other seniors didn't like chocolate and thus, giving it to her. but if she took it by "hiding" the chocolate and received from the juniors, honestly, i won't agree to that idea. so, yep... this is a the first rule of all when i break rules.

when it is an insignificant rule which the purpose is unknown... huuum, let's see if i got an example of this rules... oh! here it goes... i know that this rules is not really that insignificant, but euhh... bleh! there is this rules in my campus that we can't wear jeans (not that i like to use it, though... yay! i'm unique for having no jeans in my closet... bleh!) sooo, i don't think that this rules is significant although they said that becoz we're going to practice medicine so we can't use jeans... ~_~ insignificant rules, i think...

oh, another example? when you have to use dark/black color of hair-tie to tie your hair... really lahh, when i was high school, i have to use them... i don't know what is the purpose of that? why can't we be colorful and all... and i would like to break the rules, but thinking about the consequences that the my school coordinator (a nun, a very strict nun, a VERY VERY STRICT CHINESE NUN aka killer nun) would be angry at me and ruined the good reputation i've made in my school, i would gladly drop that idea of mine... nope, thank you. it just don't worth it.

when i've considered the consequences but still thinking about breaking the rules... well... every action has its consequences... the same thing goes to breaking rules... i mean, i know that it's wrong to not come to the campus, especially at empathy lesson (when the "graphic of people in class" reached its lowest point), but euhhh... i just was too lazy to come that i had arrived at my home at tangerang... yet, i'm afraid that the lecturers will be mad at my class coz i'm part of the class who brought it down...but then, i was so glad after knowing that it went okay...

when you make the rules is made by you and for you... example? this sort of rules... rules i made by myself and for myself... just remember that people won't follow and trust you if you break your own rules...

and rules?? are just simply rules... we need rules in our lives...to be broken ;)

editted on Aug 27, 2008: oh, i almost forgot the most important rules of all... when you break rules don't let the authorities know that you broke them. that's the point of breaking rules, right? most important of all...

i went to my high school OPEN HOUSE last July 26, 2008. and it did bring back so much memories to me! *cries* there are many things change and there are also many things that don't change at all...

things that change:
1. Believe me or not, my high school now has an extracurricular of yoga. *excuse me... LOL!!* can't really believe that at first before seeing people standing up in front of Prayer Room, acting like a pantomime *almost think that it was pantomime extracurricular (which is weirder than the first idea). and there is also additional extracurricular that  will make people like sari and me, who likes to sketch manga, jealous. i mean, seriously, they make manga as an extracurricular... ckck... just when i graduated from that school... ckck... and there are also another two additional extracurriculars, which are pencak silat and mecha-robotic (or what so ever that sounds like it). not that i really interested on it. Modern dance performance isn't as good as my year's. i feel like i didn't get the spirit of the dance as i felt it back then when seeing my friends practice their dance.
2. And... aside from the extracurricular, i hereby declare that i have finally stepped on the new Auditorium which took SO MUCH money from our school fee!! DX. it is fabulous! magnificent! wonderful! whateva you wanna say it... it is consist of three floors. the first and second floor used up to concentrate all of the extracurriculars of the school (except for the sports extracurricular, of course). and... the third floor is the auditorium completed with perfect sound-system... damn.... it was soooooooooo fabulous that i wanna cry since i can't enjoy the facilities... *cries*
3. Other facilities enough to make me cries is the e-Learning Room... honestly horr... it's facilitated with 40 new TOSHIBA labtop with wi-fi!! not to forget air-conditioner and LED inside the room!!!! WHY?!?! JUST WHY!?? *cries*
4. Oh, oh, there is also this room that is used to be used as Angklung Room, but somebody has casted a spell onto that room and turned the room into Audio Visual Room completed with a flat TV which i don't dare to ask how many inches (i don't want to cry more)!! WHY!??!?! JUST WHY?!?! it's not fairrrrrrrrr!!!!
5. Library is now equipped with Audio facilities which plays slow songs. And not to forget books that is so complete now... ckck... i think i even saw the Fantasy novels that i wanted to buy there. ckck...
6. Student Council (OSIS) members is so sophisticated now that they have their own rooms beside Library... (just like STUNICA members, but hey, this is a high school we are talking about!! >.<)
7. Looks like my high school will never stopped to show off as i saw two large cupboards filled with cups that has been achieved by its students... damn... and is that still other remaining cups inside the Tata Usaha Room?! (maybe they are thinking about buying the third cupboard).
8. Not really important... but then, i saw many more pictures hanging on the wall... bleh2.
9. This one is also not really important, but i think Aula lost its function now that they have Auditorium.

things that doesn't change:
1. Did u see five trash bin there? YES!! that is a trash bin and it DOES bring back memories.... oh, how could it not? i challenge you to find another school except mine who separate trash into FIVE trash bins... starts from the left (red one) is used for plastic, (green one) used for food leftovers (and organic trash), (blue one) used for papers, (1st little bin) used for tissues, (2nd little bin) used for cans. SO, HERE IS THE QUESTION: if you have leftovers food wrapped with plastic, where would you throw that trash? AND THE ANSWERS: you throw the food first into the green bin, and after that you throw the plastic trash into the red bin! HAHAHA. that is one simple question is which train your brain to think what should you do in simple thing, even for buang sampah pun need brain... haiyohhh... ckck. another one thing is, there is this rule in my school that, when you throw away paper rubbish, DON'T crumple it. if it contains secret or what so ever, throw it at home, or wrecked it into pieces first. coz, when you crumple a paper, you make it harder to recycle (talk about go-green here). but, i really missed those days now that my university only have one bin for all trash.
2. Old teachers which are never changed and please don't change a bit!! i missed their laughes and jokes, especially Mr. Harry (which is so fat but successfully kept me awake at History lesson).
3. Same old building, same old Basket and Volleyball court, same old plants, same old classroom, same old Prayer Room, same old Teachers Room, same old Multimedia Room, same old Cooking Room, etc.
4. Same old feelings inside Library (read: a place to calm myself down when i feel stressful and usually, i would slept at the table near the window where wind can enter the room).

ps: maybe i missed my high school so much that i dreamt about a teacher snatched away my handphone when i was in the classroom (but hey,.... i'm a university students!! why should i study at high school again, horr??! weird... dreams are never not weird one... ckck)

ps2: first picture was taken by (seems like) Arnett or William... whoever it is, he/she is the alumni of my school. second picture was taken by my best friend, Angela. (i asked her to take photo of the bins... muahahaha)